"Never get married while you're going to college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake."

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you."

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

"Everything comes to him who waits but a loaned book."

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."

"One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before."

"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

"Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood."

"I don't want people to kiss my ass, I just want to get to a point where they can't kick it."

"EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."

"Life would be tolerable but for its amusements."

"Imperfection is inherited, therefore we all sin, but fighting the war of sin is the greatest war of all because we all die in the end no matter how hard we fight."